Saturday, June 09, 2012

Ladies, leave the men alone

Ladies,  if you want to have relationships with men, it’s a good idea to get to know them, find out what makes them tick.

I’ve observed male/female interactions over the past eleven year here in Blighty and it has come to my attention that many British women don’t understand men.  Here are a few pointers I’ve learned from experience interacting with men and from just asking them questions:

1)    Most men don’t like shopping, unless it’s for cars or sports equipment.  Don’t make that poor man follow you around the ladies section of a department store holding your handbag and looking like an arse.  He DOES NOT WANT TO BE THERE.  Leave him the hell alone.
2)    Most men I know like to watch sports.  Let them get on with it.  If he’s earning a salary and sharing in paying the bills he has as much right to watch his own damn TV as you do – don’t tell him he can’t watch sports.  If clashes are an issue there are many options - decide when who will watch what; get Sky Plus and record stuff; watch stuff on the internet, there are enough iplayers; get a second TV.  In this day and age, TV watching clashes do not need to be an issue.
3)    Chances are your husband is not gay (you hope he isn’t but that’s a whole ‘nother issue).  This means that chances are he does not want to watch Sex in the City or any other soap for that matter, or romantic comedy. Don’t make him watch that mess.  Watch it alone or with your girlfriends.
4)    If you want to look good for your girlfriends, fine but don’t confuse your girlfriends’ ideas of beauty with your husband’s – chances are they are very different.  Understand the importance appearance has for many men.  If he likes a certain look, let him see you in that look as often as possible.  If he likes you in heels and you declare you ‘aint wearing them, understand he WILL be looking at someone in heels for pleasure and you’ve just told him it won’t be you.  There are consequences for that.
5)    If you don’t like sex, get to enthusiastically like it.  Same principle as above.  As faithful as he is, if you aren’t having regular sex with your husband he’s going to end up fantasizing and fantasies turn into actions.  Be smart about this.
6)    Learn to shut the hell up.  When you all come in from work, give him at least 20 minutes before you start asking him to do stuff.  Andy by asking I mean telling, you have to tell men to do stuff, it just doesn’t seem to occur to them to replace the toilet roll.  But you can’t make it obvious you’re telling them. You got to ask gently, sometimes up to 18 times in a row!  Go chew the towel to take the edge off your murderous rage.   The good news is after this approach they WILL change the toilet toll themselves – takes about 6 weeks on average of training.
7)    Tell your husband what you want for your birthday, anniversary Christmas, Valentines Day.  He may not remember but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.  Many men just aren’t able to think independently when it comes to these things.  Rope your female relatives and friends in if you’re not comfortable telling him EXACTLY what you want, and trust me, in order to get exactly what you want, ya need to TELL him, he ‘aint going to figure it out.
8)    Unless you want to pick up after him for the rest of your life, determine who does what around the house from the beginning.  And stick to it.  Get comfortable with things ‘not being done properly’ you OCD cow!  Unless of course you want to do ALL the housework, AND childcare – FOREVER!
9)    A woman CAN steal a man.  You know those women trying to, so make it clear  you’re on the job and don’t be afraid to speak plainly and terrifyingly to skanks and if necessary to physically remove the threat.
10) You CAN’T change a man. If he is a particular way, or he tells you who he is through his actions, believe him.  He’ll change if he wants to, not because you are so wonderful and understand, he may NEVER want to.


Sunday, June 03, 2012

What exactly are we celebrating?

I watched the coverage of the jubilee celebrations and I found them incredibly sad. 

We in the UK live under a constitutional monarchy.  Do you know what that means?  Many probably don’t.  That means dear reader that the Queen or King is a CEREMONIAL head of state.  That means they have NO power, the government runs the country.  All the Queen is, is a ceremonial head, she lives in luxury at taxpayers’ expense opens various events goes to parties, smiles for the camera and is basically a tourist attraction.  That’s all there is to it – that’s all there EVER has been to it.  So let’s look at what is happening this weekend again.

We are ‘celebrating’ a woman who has largely done nothing for 60 years and will continue to do  basically nothing for the rest of her life until the mantle of doing jack passes to her son and from him to his son and so on and so forth.

In order to celebrate this nothingness, the country has spent millions, will lose millions from the extra public holiday and still has no collective understanding of what we are as a nation and how we can work together to make  fulfilling lives for us and be of assistance to others. 

Some people interviewed today spoke of a ‘wonderful atmosphere.’  By this they meant everyone had warm feelings towards everyone else, one lady stated that people on the train actually spoke to each other.  And they all attributed this to the Queen and the jubilee.

No some say our sense of identity and common feelings come from the Queen an events like the jubilee.  The trouble with that is what happens once the jubilee is over? I’ll tell you what, things go back to normal, and that’s not good.  We need a sense of community and common feeling that has to do with us and what we want to achieve and give, not to do with a ceremonial head of government.

I watched the documentary hosted by Prince Charles and he said that the greatest thing about his mama’s reign was the sense of continuity she brought.  Fair enough, she’s been a constant over the past 60 years when there has been a lot of change.  But seriously, what real value is that?  Aren’t our lives, their very meaning so much more than a sense of continuity provided by anyone, even a Queen?

We as a nation are hopelessly lost.  Dedicated to doing useless things, hamstrung by a self inflicted dedication to suppressing all forms of human emotion unless they are encouraged by inebriation, willfully under or uneducated, dedicated to the world of ‘celebrity’ instead of  the things that really matter to us.  Extremely unproductive in the workplace and with no real national identity; we aren’t even citizens, we are subjects to a Queen, who as I stated above, is a ceremonial head only.

We are living in austere times, and they will get worse.  The way we are now cannot continue if we are to survive in any semblance of the way we have been living in the past.
It’s time to see the Queen in a realistic light and not be carried away by nothingness.  If we decide we want a ceremonial head of state who is good for tourism, fine.  But don’t imbue here with any more significance in life than yours.