Ladies, leave the men alone

Ladies,  if you want to have relationships with men, it’s a good idea to get to know them, find out what makes them tick.

I’ve observed male/female interactions over the past eleven year here in Blighty and it has come to my attention that many British women don’t understand men.  Here are a few pointers I’ve learned from experience interacting with men and from just asking them questions:

1)    Most men don’t like shopping, unless it’s for cars or sports equipment.  Don’t make that poor man follow you around the ladies section of a department store holding your handbag and looking like an arse.  He DOES NOT WANT TO BE THERE.  Leave him the hell alone.

2)    Most men I know like to watch sports.  Let them get on with it.  If he’s earning a salary and sharing in paying the bills he has as much right to watch his own damn TV as you do – don’t tell him he can’t watch sports.  If clashes are an issue there are many options - decide when who will watch what; get Sky Plus and record stuff; watch stuff on the internet, there are enough iplayers; get a second TV.  In this day and age, TV watching clashes do not need to be an issue.

3)    Chances are your husband is not gay (you hope he isn’t but that’s a whole ‘nother issue).  This means that chances are he does not want to watch Sex in the City or any other soap for that matter, or romantic comedy. Don’t make him watch that mess.  Watch it alone or with your girlfriends.

4)    If you want to look good for your girlfriends, fine but don’t confuse your girlfriends’ ideas of beauty with your husband’s – chances are they are very different.  Understand the importance appearance has for many men.  If he likes a certain look, let him see you in that look as often as possible.  If he likes you in heels and you declare you ‘aint wearing them, understand he WILL be looking at someone in heels for pleasure and you’ve just told him it won’t be you.  There are consequences for that.

5)    If you don’t like sex, get to enthusiastically like it.  Same principle as above.  As faithful as he is, if you aren’t having regular sex with your husband he’s going to end up fantasizing and fantasies turn into actions.  Be smart about this.

6)    Learn to shut the hell up.  When you all come in from work, give him at least 20 minutes before you start asking him to do stuff.  Andy by asking I mean telling, you have to tell men to do stuff, it just doesn’t seem to occur to them to replace the toilet roll.  But you can’t make it obvious you’re telling them. You got to ask gently, sometimes up to 18 times in a row!  Go chew the towel to take the edge off your murderous rage.   The good news is after this approach they WILL change the toilet toll themselves – takes about 6 weeks on average of training.

7)    Tell your husband what you want for your birthday, anniversary Christmas, Valentines Day.  He may not remember but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.  Many men just aren’t able to think independently when it comes to these things.  Rope your female relatives and friends in if you’re not comfortable telling him EXACTLY what you want, and trust me, in order to get exactly what you want, ya need to TELL him, he ‘aint going to figure it out.

8)    Unless you want to pick up after him for the rest of your life, determine who does what around the house from the beginning.  And stick to it.  Get comfortable with things ‘not being done properly’ you OCD cow!  Unless of course you want to do ALL the housework, AND childcare – FOREVER!

9)    A woman CAN steal a man.  You know those women trying to, so make it clear  you’re on the job and don’t be afraid to speak plainly and terrifyingly to skanks and if necessary to physically remove the threat.

10) You CAN’T change a man. If he is a particular way, or he tells you who he is through his actions, believe him.  He’ll change if he wants to, not because you are so wonderful and understand, he may NEVER want to.